Half Man Half Biscuit
Date: April 2000
Location: The Duchess, Vicar Lane, Leeds
The bitter pill that many music lovers in Leeds were forced to swallow recently (that's the
sad closure of the legendary Duchess venue to make room for more forever-empty designer emporia
- for all non-loiners reading this) was made much easier to swallow for some by the recent visit
of those veteran scouse "piss-tekkers": Half Man Half Biscuit. To a near-packed throng, the
Biscuits roared their way through a volley of incisive old favourites & lively new 'uns from the
forthcoming elpee Trouble Over Bridgewater (out April 25th, fact fans!) However, as
another year lumbers ever onwards and another HMHB album trundles out of the music-scene ether
almost unnoticed; further bemusement is felt by their staunchly loyal fanbase as to the
persistent indifference their superb body of work receives. Y'see, what we have here is one of
the most unique, most intelligent & most under-rated bands in Britain.
“Eh??! Is this the same Half Man Half Biscuit?” comes the inevitable cry from J.
Public Esq ... “Aren't they that `comedy' student band from the late-80s who amused many a
polytechnic bop-goer with their oh-so-topical observational lad-humour ... causing countless
Thatcherite post-grads to throw themselves into a spastic frenzy; pogoing with giddy abandon -
warm, plastic beaker of snakebite in hand - to such classics as Fuckin' 'Ell .. It's Fred
Titmus, I Hate Nerys Hughes and All I Want For Christmas Is A Dukla Prague Away
Kit?” Well ... Yeah ... But what most people don't realise is that they're about to
release their 8th album, they've improved - musically - into a steady, gnat's-chuff-tight
4-piece, the humour has become cleverer & a lot more subtle and in Vocalist/Songwriter Nigel
Blackwell they have the funniest, most deadpan and most accurate social commentator in Britain.
Nobody is safe from his bitingly sarcastic pen; so spot-on is his brand of observational
comedy-in-song.
At the Duchess, I was grooving & guffawing along to every note with the rest, when they
slammed into a new song I'd never before heard. Upon hearing the words I was horrified to find
they'd written a song about me! It was a ditty poking fun at people who claim to love every kind
of music ...(`Miles Davis, Meat Loaf ... I'll listen to them all!!!' or something similar). My
heart sank. I was stood, aghast, thinking `Shit ... that's what I'm like ... He's singing about
me!' How could he be so accurate? I nervously began to look around the room; paranoid that
someone might see I wasn't as amused as everybody else! Therein lies their clumsy genius. I was
unwittingly turned into a living, breathing cliche at the strum of a chord. I mean ... I like a
lot of music: a lot! I thought I was exempt from such cruel derision. Even worse - I thought I
shared his cynical, unpretentious at-a-distance worldview. Imagine if I'd've met him. I may well
have waxed passionate about my love of music and all the while he would've been nodding his head
in mock-interest, thinking to himself; “Yeah, yeah ... y'like this, y'like that ... go
on-jazz ... metal ... classical ... folk-rock ... 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s pop ... blah blah. Sure
enough ... here comes the bit about Gram Parsons & country music. -Yawn- blah blah” like
he'd been bored by knobheads like me a thousand times before at parties he didn't even want to
attend in the first place. How dare he, the clever bastard?!
Seriously, nobody is safe ... Are you planning to travel through Asia to `find yourself' and
attain inner peace while taking in every experience along the way? Then, sure. Go for it - It'll
be good ... but take with you the knowledge that you & your plastic lifestyle has been lampooned
in Ready Steady Goa. Are you an enthusiastic young member of a band in it's infancy -
about to embark on the road to stardom? Right ... Do it! But listen to Four Skinny Indie
Kids or 4AD3DCD first & you may think again. Or are you an established act whose
popularity is waning & is in need of a change in musical direction? Yeah ... Why not ... but
give Eno Collaboration a whirl first ... (Hiya U2 ...! Hiya James ...!) Similarly,
performing arts bores should be made aware of ImprovWorkshopMimeshowGobshite.
Unbelievably accurate and throughly deserved put-downs all!
Aside from his acerbic wit & acidic, uncaring sarcasm Nigel is also a skilled wordsmith -
(being especially keen on daft-sounding place names) - & possesses an amazingly encyclopedic
knowledge of trivia concerning all manner of obscure ex-sportspeople, former TV celebs & bands
you thought only you had heard of. Biscuit songs are wondrously strange worlds where you could
bump into such luminaries of the past such as: Adge Cutler (lead `oo-ar' merchant with spoof
yokels The Wurzels), Alvin Schockemole (little-known 1970s German show-jumper), Vicky Leandros
(Greek singer who won Eurovision for Luxembourg ...!?) & Ian `Sludge' Lees (bit-part comedian &
member of regular Tiswas team) Sure, the references-in-song can be unbelievably obscure but
that's part of the beauty that makes them such a well-loved cult ... this kind of knowledge
could only be picked-up; sponge-like, by the kind of obsessive soul who never missed a day of
televised Olympic coverage or a vintage episode of Top Of The Pops as a teen, and can now
look back on those more cringe-worthy days with a largely ironic eye, laugh at themselves & then
see the same (irritating) traits within the fabric of the characters of countless docile members
of the UK public who appear oblivious at how annoyingly cliched & pretentious they've become.
Smug though as it may seem, the fact is - if you don't get what they're on about it's probably
because you don't know enough about ... stuff!
Truly, the only way to fully appreciate the genius of HMHB is to listen intently to every
track over & over as the songs are so subtlely crammed with clever asides & pithy piss-takes
you're likely to chuckle at something new every time ... but if you can't find the time for
that, just make sure you keep your wits about you. You could creep up in one of their songs -
lambasted as a painful example of another reason to despair at the superficial world we inhabit.
Really ... they know us all too well & they're laughing up the sleeves of their Tranmore Rovers
replica shirts as we speak.
by Matty Hebditch.